What do you need?
Join your life
You’ve swallowed too much.
And now it’s eating at you.
To keep the peace, you forgot it’s your life too.
This is self-betrayal disguised as kindness. You’ve lost your adventure in a supporting role. When waking up feels like clocking in, the path isn’t yours.
You learned this at an early age.
To stay safe, vanish.
To keep your world together, fall apart.
One Bad Day
I know this well because I’ve lived it. Meeting every need, always the one to call and care, but starving. Being the shoulder to cry on, but one bad day and there’s no one there.
Focusing so much on others, we forget ourselves. And when we forget ourselves, everything hollows out.
What Do You Need?
If we reconnect with our needs, we come alive. Learn to live with others instead of for others. We come from behind the curtain and finally stand center stage in our own lives.
But first we must ask: “What do I need?”
Some people think this is selfish. But neglecting ourselves as a silent favor doesn’t make goodwill; it makes resentment.
By withholding our wants, we deny others a chance to love us.
Some get scared that asking for what they need will make everyone flee. And that’s almost true. The unaligned people will flee.
Shedding is the gift of letting your outside match your inside.
What remains is space for a real life.
What You Hate
I had a client who was everything to everyone. The moment they needed some support, the room went silent.
I asked what they needed, and they went blank.
So used to serving, they were a stranger to themselves.
Here’s what I told them:
To learn what you need, look at what you hate.
Judgments are unmet needs in disguise.
They paused and thought.
“Well, I hate when people talk too loudly in restaurants.”
They needed quiet.
“I get frustrated when my friends are late.”
They needed reliability.
“I judge people who talk only about themselves.”
They needed reciprocity and dialogue.
We went on like this, shaping the vessel of their needs.
Join Your Life
This even applies to inner judgments.
Every crass voice holds an unmet need. Every disharmonious moment carries a neglected emotion.
Next time you feel anxious or unhappy, ask yourself: “What need is within this feeling?”
Then ask others for it and build your life around it.
That is the beginning of befriending yourself.
Join your life.
Boy, will it be sweet.
The world is excited to meet you. But first, meet yourself.
Warmly,
Lucas
P.S.
If connecting with and sharing your own needs feels mortally scary, this is an invitation to heal. I’m happy to talk when you’re ready.